Confession .692

The only way to move is fast.
Unless you’re making love.
Then it’s alright to take it slow.

Someone once told me.

“you’re perfect. just not sometimes.”

Just not sometimes?
I wouldn’t want to be perfect all the time.
And I will be the first to tell you I’m not.
I am quick to anger.
I make rash decisions when I know I should sleep on it.
I say things without really thinking.
And I always hope people like me.
But you know what is perfect about me?
My love.
When I love someone, it’s forever.
I would do anything for them.
Anything.
Just say the word.

They say:
You have to choose what you win or lose.
You can’t have everything.
Don’t take chances you might feel the pain.
Don’t love in vain because love won’t set you free.

But I tried winning everything.
And I felt the pain.
I know my love is all in vain.                                                         Why did I ever love you? Most of all why can’t I stop?                                                                                                         You, of all people, are not perfect.

Oh my goodness. I am tired.

Confession .691

OK! OK! I’ll admit it.
Scotty dogs are really cute.
I just might end up with one someday.

Confession .690

Dear Diary,

Today I met a boy.
And he made me smile.
I think my heart is in trouble.

Love,
ft.

This hallow’s eve.

Tonight, I was originally planning on attending parties in Santa Barbara. Apparently, SB is famous for their Halloween festivites. However, after the events of last night I decided to come home to be close to my family. Death can sometimes put your world into a prioritizing perspective. So here I am, in my living room waiting for each doorbell ring to remind me there is still life in the world. I have been handing candy out (and I am certainly not stingy) on Halloween every year since I stopped receiving treats for tricks.

Although I know it is the healthy thing to do, I don’t like telling people what is going on through my mind. I don’t readily like to talk with other people about how I feel. Because honestly, I have found, no one really cares. They just go through the process of telling you how sorry they are, and then they tell you that everything will be okay. Then they walk away feeling good about themselves because they believe they took the time to perform a saintly deed, comforting a soul. But they don’t really listen to you, they don’t take the time to really understand what you are saying and how you’re really feeling. Because that would mean taking their focus off themselves and actually providing effort into something outside their realm of reality. But perhaps they’re scared. Scared of feeling the pain you may be feeling. Perhaps that is why they distance themselves?

He was among the first set of people I met here in Riverside. My first impression: quiet, very laid back, shy, smart, quite popular. He was hosting a party for his Beta Chi frat at his house. He was a gracious host, making sure everyone was having a good time while at the same time were safe. The second time I saw him again was at another party during the night of Bloc Party. He sat with me and we got to know each other a little better while we watched our party of friends get wasted. That night, I fancied a little crush. My first college crush, and of course it was on a senior, naturally. I suppose it was because he reminded me of someone I once loved. But to me, he was a sign of hope that I will move on. In the next few weeks after that night, I would see him in front of the physics building where I would be waiting for my next class. We would have small talk, ask about each other’s health, moods, classes. I would always smile afterwards and reprimand myself for my silly schoolgirl crush. Though, my experience with him was short, my favorite memory of him was at the most recent party we were at together. His sister had just turned 19, and he told me he was sad. I asked him why and he replied saying she was his baby sister but now she’s getting older and becoming her own woman. so I told him, “She’s getting older, and every year you’re getting older too, so really she’ll always be your baby sister.” She’ll be growing older without him now. He’s gone.

Why? So young. So much ahead that he’ll never see. So tragic that my first college crush would also be my first college death, and so early on in the year. It is almost like a sign from God telling me not to move on yet. I will miss him so. I feel so much. I always will.

Tonight:
“Be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.”